Last night, after a tumultuous and contentious few days, I decided to browse my ” WATCH LATER” playlist on YouTube. One of the first videos that I saw on my playlist was a Self-Love video by Andrea Lewis. It was after watching that video (as well as a plethora of her other amazing #SelfLoveSaturday mini series) that I decided to explore this whole “self-love” journey thing. Granted, I have known about this self-love movement for a while now due to another popular self-love YouTuber by the name of Montana Deleon. Even with this knowledge of self-love, however, I never really paid much attention to it. I assumed that I already had self-love because I would pamper myself and upkeep my appearance, but pampering isn’t self-love. It can be a part of some of the things you do that encourage self-love but it is not the principle foundation of what self-love actually signifies. I didn’t think that I really needed it because:
- I have a Bible and
- For the most part I had deemed myself as a confident girl.
But with the unexpected detour that my life chose to reroute itself as, along with the demonic forces that I am at constant war with, I realize just how important this concept of self-love is. Self-love is actually Biblical [2 Timothy 1:7; John 13:34–35] in the sense that we are to love others freely and selflessly as we do ourselves — not to be confused for conceitedness or arrogance but of a genuine love and admiration and flat-out RESPECT for ourselves. Love is by far one of the most POWERFUL forces in the world.
As for confidence, I’ll expand more on this idea in another post, but for a very long time I was confusing confidence for external affirmation. Confidence represented itself in the form of a new weave, or a new outfit or make up, likes, reposts/retweets, etcetera. All of which have absolutely NOTHING to do with confidence. Confidence would come in the types of relationships or friendships I had…and if I am being 100% truthful, confidence would signify the fact that I was IN a relationship. It didn’t matter if the relationship was healthy or real; the only thing that mattered was that I was IN a relationship and that I was being flaunted and praised. My “confidence” came with requirements and stipulations. In order for me to be confident I HAD to have new hair in, I HAD to be ‘beat’, I HAD to always prove myself worthy. Which…is…a lie. Even in those small monumental moments where I genuinely embodied a confident Elinah, those little speckles of doubt kept me from truly blossoming in the moment and being 100% confident and assured in myself. I have become sick, disgusted, and tired of the feelings of jealousy and anxiety. All of which do nothing to propel me forward but instead hold me captive of truly experiencing that amazing feeling of inner love and peace and confidence. These feelings are essentially what has led me to this proclamation of bettering myself and becoming an overall more positive person.
So yesterday I busted out my handy-dandy blue ink Paper Mate pen & some college ruled paper and I began to write down all my negatives, my fears, my doubts, and my goals with a positive spin and a solution. This felt cathartic but also a little strange to finally put on paper what I wanted from life and what I was scared of. All of my solutions and advice to myself made my issues look so peculiar and unnecessary. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t or can’t grab the bull by the horn and just DO IT. Just MAKE THINGS HAPPEN BY DOING WHATEVER IT IS THAT I WANT.