The last prompt that I will be partaking in for the series of #30Days30Layers, is Day 17: Stop Apologizing. There’s quite a few things that I feel compelled to stop apologizing for, however, I am going to abstain from going on a prolonged tangent and limit my answer to one thing.
I need to stop apologizing for having emotions. In a society where emotions are deemed as being “weak” and abnormal, I am unafraid of feeling. And to add more weirdness to the fact that I am dauntlessly emotional, I SPEAK on my emotion and address how I’m feeling. Whether that means crying, be angry (and breaking brooms — I promise I won’t do THAT ever again smh) or simply addressing how my feelings were hurt by someone, I have the conscious confidence and deliberate intention to feel. Unlike these ridiculous standards placated by society, clearly, I don’t think that having or expressing your feelings makes you weak. In fact, I view the ability of someone to unapologetically be vulnerable as the epitome of strength. Someone who can show their humane side, to me, is more relatable. I can’t relate to a robot.
My most recent break-up has proved to be one of my most trying. Not because anything outstanding happened per se, or because the relationship was just so magical, but because it’s the most recent pain in my life right now. One that I’m deliberately working on overcoming. Not to confuse this with rushing the process of healing, but this time I am actually taking the time to allow myself to heal. Regardless of whatever time limit others may rear on me. Again, I digress. I’ve gotten all types of advice on how I should react towards the whole separation.
“Girl, get over it already.”
“Go out and be single. Fuck him.”
While most may mean well and I appreciate the efforts of those dearest to me, who are doing nothing more than trying their best to cheer me up, this process is one that is of my own. It’s a process.
My situation, albeit, non-exclusive to just me or unique in any way shape or form (people deal with break-ups all the time) is still something that is for me to deal with and process on my own terms. I am permitted to feel upset, to grieve; I am allowed to be angry. No one can tell me otherwise. I don’t believe in this blanket, “feel good”, idealistic means of “just be positive”. It’s unrealistic because there are times where negative things in life just happen. Does this mean that I just ignore the problem and make myself “busy” simply to avoid the issue at hand? Hell no. You’ve got to confront your demons head on if you ever want to grow and continue on life with upward mobility. It’s not enough to just recognize that you have an issue. What’s recognition without deliberate intention? Nothing.
Loving and/or caring for someone doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t make me ‘sprung’ or ‘immature’; my vulnerability isn’t solely indicative of my “strength” or lack thereof. I am entitled to my emotions, however, my emotions don’t dictate who I am as a person. Allowing yourself to cater to your emotions isn’t equivalent to lack of self-control. You can exhibit vulnerability and still remain in control, simply through being self-aware.
I cannot stand being constantly told that I’m “wrong” in what I am feeling or that I’m “overreacting”. Or a personal , infamous favorite of mine, “you doing too much!” This type of negative dialogue has caused me to be EXTREMELY insecure in regards to opening up to people. I always feel on edge when the subject of emotional vulnerability comes up because I fear being mishandled and abused. I take my intimacy very seriously, so when I do reach an open and trusting point with someone, it’s kind of a big deal for me. I am, however, learning that in order to become more self-aware and to bypass this insecurity, I have to be very clear and direct about my emotions. Personally, I struggle with not hurting people’s feelings and being able to express my truth. The trick to the balance for me is to be able to consider others emotions and disregard their judgments. It’s with this knowledge I am still able to demand the necessary respect that I deserve for my emotions as well as remaining true to myself.
There really is no rule book to emotions or “right way” of expressing how I feel. I have come to this harsh realization that everyone operates on differing emotional capacities. Sometimes people just don’t have the necessary skills that I’d like them to have when dealing with me and other times people just simply don’t have the time to accommodate to my emotional stance. Or…they simply just don’t care. It is what it is. People operate differently.
As I’ve said before, this here blog is my emotional outlet. Though, it may not be the blog for everyone, it definitely helps me lay the foundation for my thoughts and allow me to come to a conclusion that is conducive to me. Along with blogging, I also journal and tweet and rant. lol. These all provide unfiltered outlets for me when I lack that real life sounding board. (i.e.- friends)
Sometimes, however, I am the one who lacks the emotional empathy towards others. I was thinking about my ex (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I reference him quite often on here but that relationship is literally the most recent dramatic thing that’s happened to me. And plus, the relationship has TONS of examples for me to pull from. Trust me, a year from now, I won’t really give it much thought lol) and how I would sometimes write his feelings off as “overreacting” (and yes there were legitimate times where he was overreacting) . During those times that I didn’t consider his emotions, it was usually because I just didn’t know how to deal with them for one, and then for two, it was very frustrating for me to understand. And usually when I can’t understand something/figure something out/come to a conducive resolution, I just kind of let things fall by the wayside. I am practicing and educating myself on being able to appreciate opposing perspectives and compose how I hand others emotions. Whether that’s by letting them know that I’m not in the correct head space to provide them with what they need, or by truly taking the time out to listen without judgment and come to a resolution.
I don’t feel that it is necessary for me to rush my emotions just to appease people who feel as though I am “taking too long” to get over something, someone, or a situation. Dealing with your emotions from the root is so much more worth while and pays off in the long run versus sweeping it under the rug as if it didn’t exist. So by any means necessary I WILL deal with my emotional issues via crying, anger, pity party, etc. but be forewarned that I WILL also RISE. In my own time.
The art of my beauty is implanted in my vulnerability. And in due time, I am rest assured that the right people will appreciate this.