Recently, I took a 21 day fast from social media which basically meant that I was going to limit my online exposure as well as not posting as frequently on my social media sites. To say I was completely off of social media during this time is a bit fabricated, albeit, I did cease my urge to post on Twitter as frequently as I used to.
Ya girl is going to sound like a little bit of a hypocrite here, but all that ranting and emotional outbursts that I was having, wasn’t cute. Maybe I’m starting to grow up or whatever, but I am trying to curb my social media ranting about mundane things like the inevitable and infamous “fuckboys” :|.
So what led me to this 21 day hiatus? I mean besides,
this horrible talk — er, I mean a ‘discussion’ (more like fight) that I had with my ex-boyfriend. Of course, right? Honestly, I just felt like I was going around and around and around in circles with him and holding on to this imaginary belief that we would somehow be together again. Even though he hasn’t ever made that a spoken priority of his. I guess I just assumed that since we were hanging out, being more friendly, and doing it — yes I said it — that it was all actually leading to something that I so desperately wanted…a relationship. This, however, proved to be embarrassingly untrue. Granted, I really should have opened my mouth and actually stated from the very beginning what I expected so that my heart wouldn’t be in the fragile and emotionally unstable state that it was,but I didn’t.
And that’s my own fault.
Nonetheless, the social media fast was most definitely needed and it was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. Truth be told, the “hard” part resulted from the emotions that I was forced to deal with. For the first week I cried nonstop. I felt so incredibly low and almost put myself in this depression. It was a YEAR worth of tears that hurt to come out but really needed to be RELEASED from my system. My feelings were extremely hurt. My ass was bitter as fuck. Holding all that pain in and trying to pretend our relationship didn’t happen or that our break-up didn’t affect me or to just move on to the next to get over him didn’t help.
Trust me, I tried.
And as well-meaning as some of my friends may have been by trying to be by advising me to NOT cry or to NOT feel was definitely NOT the answer. I needed to go through that cycle of pain; no matter how scary it seemed to me. It was something that I needed to go through. And honestly, just being told to “get over it” was not what I needed to hear at that point. I needed to FEEL. I needed to EMBRACE each and every one of those emotions that I felt. I NEEDED to cry. I needed to cry for everything I lost. I lost myself in a relationship that clearly was no longer giving me the things that I wanted. I lost my self-worth and my self-respect fighting for a guy who was just no longer interested in me (or loved me) and what I had to offer any longer. I lost my identity; I lost the years of growth that it took for me to finally be OK with myself and my sexual, spiritual, and intellectual being. I was lost. So lost. And I yearned to get back to myself. I missed her. I missed Elinah.
My hiatus allowed me to reconnect with myself again. That pain, when used in an effective way, wasn’t meant to scare me. It was meant to lead me here, to self discovery. I started reading more, writing more, dreaming more. Cutting off the world — especially distancing myself from guys — gave me the chance to appreciate my alone time that I honestly do enjoy. All that self medicated sex was doing absolutely nothing for me. Yeah, I’m up under someone getting the attention I felt like I needed but there was no real value there. No substance…there was no real anything. Just emptiness. My hard work over the years was thrown away because of a relationship that failed, and it led me to wonder if I really had made any progression throughout the years or if I was just masking the problem without really FACING what the root of my issue truly was. My alone time allowed me to BREATHE. I could finally hear myself thinking again. Dreaming again even. I EVEN REALIZED THAT IT WAS OK THAT I WASN’T READY TO DATE RIGHT AWAY. Not necessarily because I wasn’t ready to get over my ex but I just wasn’t ready in general lol. My focus just isn’t on dating anyone seriously right now. I am so selfish with loving myself these days. I like me. I love me. And guys confuse me lol. The self love and self happiness just isn’t where it needs to be yet. And I don’t want to be another “half a person”. I want to be a FULL woman. For once, in a really really long time, I finally know what it is that I want. I value who I am and the beautiful spirit being that I am growing into. It’s time that I gave myself more credit than I do. I don’t want to have my focus being fixated on the things that I don’t care for or the situations and other external forces that I’m not capable of controlling, because there’s no need to bring to fruition forces that don’t better my life or my well-being.
My ex might very well miss me. And shit, maybe the thought of calling or texting me has ran across his mind a couple of times. Maybe he might actually be hurting like me. Maybe, maybe not. But ultimately, ol’ dude is relieved that our relationship is over. And to be honest, I am too. I feel lighter.
I really can’t say that I am 100% happy and content with my life at this very moment, but I am headed in the right direction. And that, to me, is a helluva lot better than where I started.