Learning about yourself and finding yourself is a lifelong journey. With that being said, I don’t know why on earth I really thought that in a mere 21 days that I would just magically rediscover myself. Especially without tearing back layers upon layers upon layers of lies and bullshit that I covered myself in due to efforts of “protecting my heart”.
Growth is about upward mobility. It’s about knowing the only thing that is for certain in life is change. Constant change is one of those things about life that will never cease and whether you choose to be fluid with that change or not is solely up to you. Either way, the world is much bigger than our perception. Your limited mind only affects you. Sometimes I really hate talking to Kaylon because he is usually spot on in his assessment of me. Today was really no different. It pains me to even have to agree with him but I’m pretty one-sided/univision with my mindset. I don’t own up to shit. Not shit that’ll paint me in a bad light. But honestly, who really wants to expose their flaws for all to see…who really wants to deal with that vulnerability of themselves? For all of my seemingly amazing attributes and aspects of myself that are truly admirable, there are some shitty parts of my being too. I’m not perfect. But, that’s OK. What’s not okay is trying to mask those shitty parts and pretend as if I am so damn perfect.
Don’t take this as a feel sorry for me post because that’s the last thing I feel…is sorry. I’m sorry for the hurt that my careless actions have bestowed upon those who I’ve encountered, however, I’m not sorry for the lessons learned. And Kaylon, he really pulled that out of me tonight.
And I let him.
Self-discovery takes time. A lifetime, in fact, for us to find ourselves and know who we are. I am currently on this journey ( and taking this journey more seriously). It’s hard. And sometimes I fucking want to just throw my hands up and just not give a shit anymore. Even so, what good thing in life ever comes easy? Or lasts? One’s identity isn’t solely dependent on this semi-fabricated, recited ass mantras of “I am worth”, ” I am perfect as I am”, lines. Yes, speak what you want into your life. Start SOMEWHERE. Tell yourself that you love yourself and MEAN it. But….know what you fucking NEED. What is required of yourself for yourself in order to grow?
Growth occurs at different stages and seasons of our lives. There’s no rush for growth, yes, and everyone moves at their own pace, but don’t become so lax in this truth that you allow laziness to slink itself into your life. For a while now I’ve been saying that I’m working on “figuring shit out”. Figuring out my confusion, figuring out my life/career, figuring out my passion, figuring out relationships. And truth be told, I ain’t really figured shit out yet. Not in regards to lack of effort but because of lack of vision. I am by no means stupid. Naive? Maybe a little but I am a dreamer. The thing with being a dreamer, however, is the struggle of transitioning from dream to reality. I can hazily see my future. It’s kind of vague, but I can see it. There are certain things I want to achieve in life but the “getting there” part is such a struggle for me to maneuver. Sometimes I feel like God is teasing me by allowing me to have such vivid desires and hope for what is to come because the stress of finding my way to the finish line can be so depressing. It doesn’t have to be. Life…doesn’t have to be stressful or hard or even confusing. Honestly, I’m more than certain I retain the answers to my own questions innately. Inside of me there is a place that I have closed off called intuition. Our purest, most raw essence sense of self.
So how do we get there? How do we unlock our purest essence of self? Simple: we live now. We stop and meet ourselves just where we are. We don’t look back or plant our self stationary in the thought, hope. or idea of who we’d like to be. We focus on who we are now.
Right now I’m not completely sure about who I am as a woman. I don’t hold all the answers to my life right now and though I’m not really rushing myself to figure it all out, I do know that growth starts with honesty. Be honest about where your strengths are and work at building those qualities up but DON’T neglect your weaknesses! Our weaknesses and lack of openness to taking constructive criticism is what will forever hold us back from being the great person that we desire. The number one trait that I am without a doubt certain of that I can give is support. That is my greatest ability is my natural gift of support and motivation. I believe in people. I believe the world — our world — is limitless. There’s really nothing that we can’t do if we just broaden our horizons. I care about knowledge. My biggest problem — well the trait I’ve been getting called out on the most — is my attentiveness when listening to others. I’m very hard-headed. And I have been told on more than one occasion that I’m unilateral in my understanding/thinking and that I’m selfish. I don’t like hearing this shit. I suck at taking any type of criticism and I definitely don’t like hearing or being told about myself because I think I know everything. (which is a little ridiculous because I don’t have too much experience in a lot of the things that people try to advise me on –___–). This train of thinking can be extremely dangerous. For me, this mindset comes from years of being told what to do and how to act and I’m fed up. So damn fed up that I’m basically in “I don’t give a shit” mentality. Balance is necessary. Here, is a prime example of where wisdom and a discerning spirit come into play. The great thing about life is that so long as there is breath in us, we are still so young. There is time. But just because there’s time doesn’t mean it can’t be wasted. We can be busy and still not be doing shit. How we utilize our 24 hours matters./*
Vulnerability and growth go hand in hand and being open to the harsh reality tha+t you just might not be as phenomenal as you think you are but that doesn’t mean that you’re doomed. Vulnerability takes strength. It’s not about storytelling some sad ass story and trying to garner sympathy points. While some things that happened in your life may not be due to your own doing, how you react to them is. We are in control. We always have the opportunity to choose. Take responsibility. For your actions, for your responses, for your life. Stop fucking blaming everything on everyone and twisting shit around to benefit yourself. Take true ownership of YOUR LIFE. Not this “woulda, coulda, shoulda” bullshit partial ownership. It hurts me to take blame for the demise of my relationship but guess what? There are two sides to every story and while I may have been supportive and loving. I lacked attentive listening. I failed as a girlfriend in that department. I will continue to fail as a gf — wife even — if I don’t handle that shit. Growth is becoming. Not ‘trying’. “Trying” allocates too much leeway to be lazy. We can always excuse our fuck ups as “Oh, well I’m trying”. No. If there’s an issue, fix it. ASAP. You can never grow if you’re constantly holding on to dead weight and being held captive by issues you refuse to rectify or deal with. We may not be able to right all our wrongs, yet, how we affirm our actions with the newfound knowledge we gained from our consequences should lead us one step closer. One step closer to understanding our life, one step closer to the relationship that we’ve always wanted.
It’s not enough to know my flaws and acknowledge them. The consistent effort and persistent conscientious awareness to make different decisions is what will lead me to change. And all it takes is the courage to take a risk. What would life be like if you just risked it all? If you stopped forcing shit into spaces and crevices that it doesn’t belong in?
Accept where you are.
Be aware of your decisions.
And watch how tremendously and expeditiously your life will change.